I was illegal due to China’s One Child Policy. When I was born, my father had to pay a forfeit equal to 3 years-worth of his salary, ending his political career. At the age of 31, after five years of living in Holland, I feel the desire to free myself of this guilt, to explore my sense of belonging and to repair my broken family relationships. I travelled back to China to visit my family in 2017. My parents have moved to a new apartment in Beijing, one that doesn’t hold any memories, with no hint of the past. I do manage to find one family photo, which was taken in May 1986 in Tiananmen. When my mum was pregnant with me, my parents and my older sister traveled 2,600 miles to find a safe place for my birth. During their trip, they took a picture of Mao’s portrait. In 2018, I travel back to China again. This time, my father is ill and I take care of him at the hospital. I find out that he cares much more about my sister than about me. I feel alienated. I learn more about my older brother, who drowned at the age of two. After he died, they decided to hide their pain and tried to forget him. I travel to visit my relatives and gather stories about my brother. Finally, I manage to find his grave in a wild forest, rather than in our family graveyard. I understand my family much better after these two trips, but both journeys lead to new questions about the past. Meanwhile, my family only cares about the future. They have started to urge me more and more to get married and to have children of my own. My family thinks a new child could resolve all these problems and create a new more positive situation, in the same way, that my birth closed the wound of my brother’s death.